Posted on April 17, 2025

3D Designer Arrested for Cheeky Checkout Antics

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South Bend, IN — In a bizarre turn of events that has left both legal experts and gas station attendants emotionally scarred, Mike Frisk, a local 3D designer and self-proclaimed “freedom enthusiast,” found himself in hot water this weekend after his butt cheeks made an unsolicited guest appearance at multiple 7-11 gas stations across town.

The incident—now dubbed “The Great Crackdown” by confused authorities and Reddit alike—began Saturday afternoon and reportedly stretched across three separate locations within a five-hour period. Frisk, armed with nothing but cargo shorts and what police described as “a dangerous surplus of self-esteem,” entered each store with a routine that can only be described as choreographed chaos.

Witnesses say he strolled in confidently, adjusted his belt with the flair of a magician revealing a final trick, and climbed—yes, climbed—onto the checkout counter like it was a stage built for buns. Then, with slow and deliberate motion, he would lower his cargo shorts just enough to expose what one traumatized shopper called “an unholy amount of daylight,” and proceed to grind his cheeks across the counter’s laminate surface like he was performing a freedom ritual no one asked for.

“He said he was cleansing the corporate energy from the counters,” said one clerk, who has since requested a transfer to the car wash division. “Then he winked and whispered, ‘You’re welcome,’ before moonwalking out the door.”

Frisk allegedly repeated this routine at each location, punctuating every exit with a demand for six cartons of menthols and a scratch-off ticket “with destiny in it.” At one store, he reportedly signed a receipt “with cheek pressure only,” leaving behind what the DA's office is now awkwardly referring to as a “dermal signature.”

Store clerks attempted to restrain him using what they had on hand—namely a mop, a bag of Funyuns, and a plastic nacho tray—but Frisk proved too agile and, disturbingly, too slippery. Security footage reviewed by authorities shows him evading capture with what police believe was a combination of coconut oil, expired nacho cheese, and a liberal misunderstanding of civil liberties.

“He moved like a greased-up ferret in a hurricane,” said one responding officer. “You think you’re ready for that kind of energy, but you’re not. Nobody is.”

Frisk was eventually apprehended in the parking lot of a fourth 7-11, where he was reportedly attempting to “bless the windshield squeegees.” According to police, he was cooperative during arrest, fully clothed (by then), and in his own words, “at peace.”

Prosecutors, however, were less calm.

“We’ve never seen anything quite like this,” admitted Assistant District Attorney Carrie Lutz. “It’s not technically indecent exposure if the cheeks were… tactically deployed. There was no frontal nudity. No shouting. Just... committed cheek usage.”

As of press time, legal teams were still sifting through state statutes, trying to determine whether Frisk’s behavior qualifies as vandalism, disorderly conduct, or a new category of public nuisance altogether. One junior prosecutor reportedly fainted after being asked to review the footage frame-by-frame.

With no obvious crime to charge him with, the city is bracing for what Frisk’s legal team has already dubbed “The Great Crackdown Lawsuit.” According to Frisk’s lawyer, former YouTube legal analyst Jared “The Hawk” LaMont, the city has “no legal standing to suppress the symbolic movement of two glutes in peaceful rotation.”

“If we don’t have the freedom to grind respectfully on laminated surfaces in protest of overpriced cigarettes,” LaMont added, “then what do we have?”

Legal experts warn that if the city fails to charge Frisk meaningfully, he may countersue for "emotional suppression," "dermal print copyright infringement," and “assault with intent to inspire.”

Meanwhile, Frisk has embraced his new viral fame with the enthusiasm of a man who greased himself in nacho cheese and has absolutely no plans to slow down. He has launched an OnlyFans account titled Cheeky Justice, promising “premium cheek content for patriots and laminate truth-seekers.” He’s also announced a line of NFTs titled Buns on the Run, featuring stylized renders of each incident, complete with GPS tags and exclusive commentary like, “This one felt particularly liberating.”

His merch line, Butt Bandit Certified™, drops Friday and will include hoodies, bumper stickers, and custom barstools with “friction-resistant cheek memory foam.” Early buyers will receive a limited-edition air freshener scented “like justice and convenience store tile.”

When reached for comment via email, Frisk replied only with a GIF of a bald eagle wiping down a gas station counter, accompanied by the message: “I didn’t choose the cheeks—the cheeks chose me.”

Public opinion remains deeply divided. While some South Bend residents are horrified, others have rallied behind Frisk’s bizarre crusade.

“I don’t get it,” said one Reddit user, “but I respect it.”

Others have started referring to the counters as “blessed surfaces,” with one viral post claiming the 7-11 at Douglas and Ironwood has become “a sacred site of liberation and menthols.”

7-11 corporate has declined to comment on the matter, though an anonymous employee said their internal Slack channel now includes a “Cheek Response Protocol” file.

As the city braces for what could be one of the strangest legal battles in Indiana history, a single question lingers over South Bend like the scent of coconut oil and questionable choices: were we violated… or transformed?

Only time, and possibly a very embarrassed jury, will tell.