Posted on May 1, 2025

Jeff Juillerat for President: A New Era of Absurdity

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Washington, D.C. — In a stunning turn of events that no one asked for, Jeff Juillerat has announced his candidacy for President of the United States, proudly declaring, “I don’t need experience, I have enthusiasm and a fog machine!”

Flanked by his vice-presidential pick, Rhonda Austin—former TikTok conspiracy theorist and part-time goat hypnotist—Juillerat promises a revolutionary platform that includes mandatory disco breaks in Congress and replacing the IRS with a "vibe check" committee.

“We’re not about left or right,” Juillerat shouted into a megaphone while standing on a Segway, “we’re about weirding forward!”

Their economic plan is as visionary as it is incomprehensible. Juillerat has proposed converting all U.S. currency into commemorative coins featuring his face in different emotional states.

“Inflation isn’t real if we just believe in the coin,” Austin explained during a campaign rally in a trampoline park.

To stimulate growth, they plan to launch “Operation Moon Garage,” a $900 billion initiative to build the nation’s largest multi-level parking garage on the moon—“just in case,” Juillerat insisted, “Earth gets full.”

In a bold expansion of domestic tech infrastructure, Juillerat has also vowed to build a government-run data center next to every Dollar General in America. “We already know people are there,” he reasoned, “so why not collect data while they buy off-brand soda?”

Austin, for her part, is particularly enthusiastic about this initiative, stating she looks forward to the low-frequency hum of the data centers gently lulling her to sleep as she watches reruns of Mayberry R.F.D. and eats bon bons "straight from the freezer, like a patriot."

But Juillerat isn’t stopping there. As part of his commitment to what he calls “information disruption innovation,” he has proposed the creation of a new federal agency: the Department of Misinformation and Public Bewilderment (DMPB). This agency would be responsible for crafting and distributing high-octane conspiracy theories, rhetorical hot takes, and general nonsense across all major social media platforms.

“People want answers,” Juillerat explained, “but mostly, they want answers that feel exciting—even if they’re totally made up.”

The DMPB’s pilot programs already include campaigns like “Pigeons Are Government Surveillance Drones” and “Bananas Are a Hoax Invented by Big Vitamin C.”

In the realm of foreign policy, the Juillerat-Austin administration is prepared to lead boldly into chaos. Their “Diplomacy by Drone” plan would replace all ambassadors with AI-powered parrots trained to say “Let’s chill, bro” in 43 languages.

Austin, who once claimed she could see Russia from her spiritual aura, has also suggested all international treaties be conducted in escape rooms to “test trust and flexibility.” NATO officials are already reportedly Googling how to legally ghost a country.

Domestically, their spending priorities are nothing short of jaw-dropping. They’ve pledged $4 trillion to fund a nationwide “cloud pillow initiative,” replacing all public benches with memory foam recliners that emit calming whale sounds. Meanwhile, public education will be restructured into a three-track system: mime school, “emotional math,” and competitive potato peeling.

“Knowledge is power,” Juillerat said, “but so is interpretive dance, and that’s what our students really need.”

Despite—or perhaps because of—their surreal platform, Juillerat and Austin have gained a surprising cult following. Their campaign slogan, “Make America Confused Again,” has taken off on social media, where supporters post blurry photos of their pets next to microwaves.

Whether the country is ready for their brand of glitter-fueled governance remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: If elected, Jeff Juillerat and Rhonda Austin would turn the White House into a laser tag arena of wasted potential and high-octane nonsense.