Posted on March 30, 2025

Meth Cook Blows Up Workstation Next to Chicken Coop

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Bristol, IN — In a scene that could only be described as a rejected plotline from Breaking Bad: Barnyard Edition, local legend and part-time feather duster Tony “two times” Maloney found himself at the center of chaos when his backyard meth lab went up in a glorious ball of fire — mere feet from an innocent chicken coop.

The explosion rocked the quiet streets of Bristol at precisely 3:47 a.m., jolting residents awake, rattling windows, and, according to one shaken witness, prematurely hatching three eggs in a moment of high-stress avian panic.

“It was louder than fireworks and smelled like regret,” said neighbor Doris Plackett, still clutching a coffee mug that reads World’s Okayest Grandma. “I looked outside and saw feathers. Just… feathers and poor decisions.”

The blast, reportedly triggered by a DIY setup involving a hot plate, three lawnmower batteries, and what one fire marshal referred to as “science gone rogue,” obliterated a makeshift shed, singed several lawn ornaments, and sent a suspiciously large number of empty Monster Energy cans flying into nearby yards.

Tony — well-known around town for his unlicensed firework displays and an ongoing pyramid scheme involving "fermented goat smoothies" — was last seen fleeing the wreckage shirtless, dazed, and completely coated in feathers. One eyewitness described him as “looking like Colonel Sanders after losing a cage match to a rotisserie.”

In what can only be described as a deeply flawed escape plan, Tony attempted to blend in with the surviving chickens by dropping to all fours, clucking, and pecking at the ground. Officers arriving on scene quickly noticed something was off when one of the “hens” appeared to be chain-smoking and muttering something about “getting back to the cook.”

“He was covered in soot, had a chicken feather stuck to his eyebrow, and kept trying to peck his way through the fence,” said Officer Julie Hernandez. “We had him pegged pretty quickly, especially when he yelled ‘I’m free range, bitches!’ and tried to sprint.”

His escape was foiled, however, by a series of unfortunate obstacles, including a patch of wet mulch, a sagging chicken wire fence, and what turned out to be a misplaced Roomba smeared with peanut butter — the purpose of which remains completely unexplained, and frankly, no one is asking anymore.

As Tony was taken into custody, neighbors gathered behind police tape with lawn chairs, coffee, and a growing list of questions.

“This is the third weirdest thing he’s done,” said longtime resident Marvin Gutierrez. “Don’t get me wrong — the man’s innovative. But at some point, you gotta ask yourself: is this genius or just poorly-executed poultry terrorism?”

Tony’s backyard, now labeled a “flammable curiosity zone” by the fire department, has been temporarily fenced off. Investigators recovered dozens of suspicious items from the scene, including empty Sudafed boxes, a VHS copy of Chicken Run, two rave flyers, and a whiteboard with the phrase “Meth = Freedom + Math” scribbled in dry erase marker.

When asked for comment, Tony’s public defender — who was still visibly laughing — issued a brief statement outside the courthouse:

"It's a fowl situation, sure. But we're confident we can wing it in court. Worst case, we coop-erate with a plea deal."

The attorney, a recent law school graduate specializing in “weird misdemeanor defense,” also confirmed that Tony will plead not guilty by reason of “creative chemistry and poultry-induced stress.”

Local authorities are still piecing together the full scope of the operation. While the lab itself was crude, officials say it had a “highly flammable ambition” and was days away from either a bigger explosion or a niche TikTok following.

The chickens, meanwhile, are safe and mostly unharmed, though animal control has confirmed several are undergoing counseling for trauma. One hen, named “Smokey,” has reportedly developed a mild nicotine addiction and has been relocated to a support farm with fresh air and zero contraband.

“We’re monitoring them closely,” said animal control officer Deb Matthews. “A few are exhibiting signs of emotional distress. One just stares into the distance like she’s seen things no hen should see.”

The town of Bristol, while shaken, is largely unfazed. A town official said in a written statement, “We thank our first responders, animal control, and the brave residents of Coop Street for their patience and quick reactions. And we strongly encourage everyone to keep their science experiments chicken-free going forward.”

Tony Maloney remains in custody at the Elkhart County Jail, facing a laundry list of charges including drug manufacturing, reckless endangerment, destruction of poultry property, attempted avian impersonation, and one count of “knowingly operating a science project that made a chicken scream.”

This is not his first legal dust-up. In 2022, Tony made headlines for trying to sell “organic chicken-based vape juice” at the Farmer’s Market, claiming it was “all-natural, artisanal, and lightly pecked for flavor.” That venture was shut down after several customers reported mild clucking and the sudden urge to perch on countertops.

Locals say they’re not surprised by the recent events. “You could always tell he was gonna blow up,” said neighbor Doris. “Just didn’t think it’d be literal.”

As of press time, Tony had submitted a jailhouse request for a copy of Chemistry for Dummies, a pack of cigarettes, and a roll of duct tape.

He also asked if chickens could visit.